Mountains, Greed, & Fear
A short essay about boundaries, risk tolerance, and their interplay with greed…
When in the early adventures of your life did you choose to wander from the trail, to the cliff, to the snow capped peak? Where in that journey did you first accept an objective hazard?
An objective hazard is one that for all intents and purposes cannot be perfectly avoided. It is the presence of a risk or set of risks that are absolute, and can hardly be minimized. To many, it is the line between when to do and when not to do.
The reality in choosing to venture beyond what you previously found comfortable is that there will be moments of discomfort. To go beyond your previous boundaries is to open yourself up to potential discomforts, failures, and most importantly, opportunities. In understanding why we would go beyond our boundaries, for many at least, it’s these opportunities that tell the story…
The opportunity found beyond the figurative line you’re choosing to cross is entirely subjective, and yet it’s a completely necessary distinction in order to find reason in your pursuit. Without reason, I would never feel the urge to confront objective hazards. So what is the reason?
To this point, my reason for expanding the scope of my adventures is to open windows to new perspectives. These perspectives are sometimes literal in that I get to see the world from far above, from within an ice cave, from the side of a cliff face. Other times they are figurative; moments spent shuffling feet along a rain-soaked ledge several pitches into a committed climb. Time stopped, hearing only my heartbeat and the thunder of a falling serac meters away. Feet and hands frozen, grabbing onto an ice-slicked ice axe hundreds of feet above a venting fumarole. The literal is often the easiest gratification. Hard earned views of the world make our hearts beat fast with joy and satisfaction. It’s the figurative, though, that sometimes forces questions around greed and fear, and how they often interact.
When and where do we ultimately find the figurative line in the sand? If the very gratification we seek is in the discomfort of pushing beyond our internal and external boundaries, when do we find the line beyond the line? Over the last year, it’s this question that’s kept me up at times. Nights before a climb, I find myself ruminating on the prospect of an edge I may approach that I’m simply not comfortable approaching. Driving to the mountain’s edge, I’ll occasionally flinch from the thought of a fall, or sink into a blank gaze while I consider each portion of the coming climb that I don’t confidently know I can handle. With what can feel like a plethora of negative thoughts, I’ve looked to recent words of advice to steady my mind, “keep pushing until it doesn’t make sense”. It’s simple, but when considered free of obligation or pressure, it’s can be a perfect guiding compass. Take step after step, thinking only about the joy of that moment and the energy needed to continue, and if you sense that your luck has run dry, and circumstances have stacked such that you can’t make sense of the journey ahead, free your mind by comfortably turning around.
“Keep pushing until it doesn’t make sense.”
In a way, this doesn’t entirely answer the question of where the line is. In fact, it requires a self-awareness to work at all. You must be able to feel the pressure that builds when choices and consequences are mounting, and listen to your experience and ambition while navigating what truly makes sense, and what doesn’t. It also brings in the element of greed. I’ll state frankly that this idea that greed interplays with ambition is a subjective one. However, I haven’t been able to ignore the sensation of greed when I find myself making choices that put me in moments with objective hazard. When I choose to go where the surroundings tell an honestly grim story - rock fall, serac danger, avalanche risk - I know that my chances of dying are higher, and I proceed knowing that my death would come at the detriment of a number of other people that love me. This sensation of being greedy can feel like an anchor, both negatively and positively.
Sometimes we must be greedy. Opportunities for the exceptional are often fleeting, and greed may be the stepping stone to glory. A far more bleak story may be the hypothetical cost, though, thus further refining our awareness of our personal lines in the sand.
None of what I’ve written is absolute or true in any regard beyond my own mind. Still, I feel it’s a dialogue that is all too often left internalized. We can all be better at pushing beyond our boundaries if we take the time to really define them, emotionally consider them, and if we build our understanding of our fears, our greed, and our desires.
I would really enjoy learning how you feel about this subject if you care to share. Feel free to reach out using the form below, and perhaps we can relate and discuss. Not to mention, I’m always on the lookout for climbing partners!!
Quick Shoutout ~
A huge amount of what makes me feel comfortable in the outdoors, whether I’m climbing, backpacking or mountaineering, is the gear I place my trust in. Gear is like the extra partner on the rope team, the backup belayer, the first person breaking trail. Without the right gear, we are left with less safety, less support, and often we often fall short of the literal or figurative summit. I’ve come to trust one company more than any other, Hyperlite Mountain Gear. I sometimes feel like their gear has dragged me up the mountain more than the other way around, and I quite literally won’t go out without it. As a company, their horizons are further than I know, and I’m ecstatic to enjoy their support, as well as their brilliant attention to what often makes the difference: great gear.
My Favorite HMG Gear:
The Prism Pack (and accessories)
There is no pack on the market that stacks up, blow for blow, to the prism. I’ve seen more mountain tops than I otherwise would have because of this pack.
The Ultamid 2
This is a new addition to my gear list, and it honestly feels like I purchased a castle. I don’t see many trips over the next 20 years happening without this tent.
The Southwest 3400
Every trail of taken that doesn’t lead to a summit I’ve taken with this pack.